Andujar: When working out just isn’t working out

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This is an installment of Suzette Andujar’s weekly column “As I Was Saying”

Nobody likes to be told what to do. Instinct tells us to get to point B any way we want; however, there are times when we have to be told what to do in order to get to our desired goals. I became painfully aware of this truth when I decided to slim down and be “healthy.” I tried the fun things first, like cardio, and took a Zumba class or two. I was losing some weight but I wasn’t toning up or getting any definition, so I had to get one of those boot camp videos.

It was terrible! Why do people knowingly put themselves through that kind of suffering? The trainer yelled at me, “Do a squat!” I looked back at the TV and said, “YOU do a squat!” and turned off the video. I decided to switch it up and get a strength training video from a different trainer. She told me to warm up. OK, I was fine with that. But then she started telling me how to breathe. Uh, this just in, I know how to breathe; consider yourself heartily thanked and have a great day.

Videos were just not my cup of soy latté, so I decided to venture out into this cruel world and go for a nice run. I went to the local park with a huge smile on my face and saw a gorgeous lake for my eyes, felt a graveled path for my feet, and smelled open, fresh air for my nose. Finally! This was it!

Or so I thought.

There were one too many people at the park and someone kept following me; I was pretty sure I was going to be kidnapped and I don’t know Liam Neeson so it wouldn’t have ended well. Even though the person following might have only just been exercising too, there was still a chance. On top of facing capture, there were goose droppings everywhere. And these geese had attitude! They just plopped themselves in the middle of the path and then snapped at me when I came near. They wanted me to fail; it’s a goosespiracy I tell you. How was I supposed to run in that? And why was the kidnapper running smoothly with no problems?

Consequently I came up with a solution: I’m just not going to workout. It’s overrated anyway. I walk to my car, that counts as cardio. I lift up the fork to my mouth, that is some heavy lifting! Opening a bag of chips; do you know the muscles being worked when prying open one of those? I mean those factories really seal those things good.

The harmful effects of not working out aren’t so bad. So I’ll feel some extra stress and my sleep patterns might mess up a little. So my memory might get “out of whack” and I’ll “gain more weight.” So it’ll take me a few years to get to point B; it’s no sweat—quite literally!

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