Otto: What it really means to “man up”

Growing up, my mom and dad taught me that it was okay to cry over something or to be open with my feelings about certain things. And let me tell you, I was a really sensitive kid growing up, so I cried a lot.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve remained pretty much the same. Although it’s very rare that I actually cry about something anymore, I feel comfortable in my ability to express my emotions, no matter how positive or negative they may really be.

But not every male has that same experience growing up. I was lucky to have parents who weren’t strict about enforcing gender norms. They didn’t care if I liked the color pink or if I played Polly Pockets with my sister, nor did they care when I wanted to watch cartoons like “Ben 10” or “Regular Show” or when playing dolls with my sister turned into her playing with dolls while I loudly acted out professional wrestling matches on the living room floor next to her with my action figures. 

All they cared about was that I was happy. Isn’t that what should matter most? Not whether or not your child behaves within gender norms that were molded centuries before they were even born?

Historically, there’s a stereotype that’s ingrained into the minds of young boys that they shouldn’t show vulnerability or emotion, otherwise the world will view them as weak or insignificant. We hear phrases such as “boys don’t cry” and “man up” when we’re younger, and are expected to be tough all the time.

Our current generation categorizes men into different personality types, such as “alpha” and “beta” males, and they’re popularized through the platforms of celebrities and influencers, specifically podcasts and live-streamers. These supposed “alpha” males are considered more dominant and controlling in their nature, which tends to fall in line with how society views the concept of masculinity. “Beta” males come off as quieter, gentler, and more submissive in how they act, qualities that are sometimes associated with a more feminine person.

I see it pretty much daily, both in and out of Rowan. I’ve noticed how different guys my age present themselves and how they behave around others, and I continue to notice how the divide in character varies depending on not just where each guy comes from, but what clubs or activities they’re a part of. 

For example, you might find softer, sensitive types more involved in the arts, while the brash and confident types are more often than not affiliated with fraternities and the party scene. Those same people, no matter which category they fall in, tend to stick with others who are just like them, who share similar interests and beliefs. And those who don’t fit one mold or the other tend to either isolate themselves from everyone else purposefully, or maybe they even find other people like them somewhere in that process.

It’s like the old saying goes: “Birds of a feather flock together.” With men, however, no matter who you are or what you’re a part of, everything is determined by how much of a “man” you are, and the reason I put quotations around the word “man” is because we no longer live in an age where gender roles and norms are needed to be followed as strict as they once were.

We’re far beyond the need for a hard definition of what it means to be a man, or what it means to be manly. It’s one thing to use that mentality as a way of building yourself up when you’re feeling emotionally inadequate, sure. But to use it harmfully, in such an unhealthy, over-the-top manner in which “toxic masculinity” tends to thrive, is nothing worth celebrating.

In other words, we shouldn’t have to identify certain characteristics with specific genders. Our levels of manliness shouldn’t be determined by what we aren’t; it should be determined by what we are. We can be kind but tough, we can be soft but confident. And most importantly, we can cry if we need to.

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