Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’ve decided to give up all the money that I have for a good cause.

To what, you ask? The Republican Party. Or more specifically, the party’s elected senators.

And for what cause?

Direct influence in the government, of course! I just heard that a big-time donor to Republicans was approved to some important position in the cabinet.

So I got to thinking.

You see, I’m not that familiar with the federal government or how it’s run. In fact I spend my days yelling about issues I actually have no real grasp of. This plan seems simple enough, though.

I could pledge a lot of money – OK not a lot, but a modest amount for a college student – and be guaranteed a top-level job.

I’ve always thought Transportation Secretary sounded like a cool title. No clue what the department does or what the job entails, but I heard that doesn’t matter. I own a car. I drive almost every day; should be plenty of qualifications.

Or maybe I could get appointed to that Energy job. I usually have lots of that.

To think after graduation I was going to have to struggle with jobs where I’d report on the schmucks of the local and federal governments. Now I can just be one of the schmucks!

I guess the only thing left to say is: who do I make my check(s) out to?

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