Dear Left-Handed People,
What’s up with all the right-handed persnicketiness right? I totally get it, I mean, you get a lot of slack for writing with the backwards hand and that’s okay, but do you have to complain? Do we have to constantly hear about how the mouse was made for the right hand and it feels weird for you to use it? I’m sure you’ve been able to adapt by now. It’s not so bad. You know what’s bad, right? No, not “right”; left. I’m serious. The Latin meaning of “left” is “sinister” so…yeah, you’re pretty bad and awkward and clumsy.
So you can’t use pens correctly and the spiral notebook is your enemy, fiddledeedee. You know who’s my enemy? The guy on the left because my right-hand man can be trusted. We shake with our right hands too because who shakes with the left hand unless you’re a Scout and not everyone is a Scout.
You know what you can be though? An artsy, musical person because, since y’all use the right-side of the brain, everything is done creatively. With that ingenuity, you can find ways to use those right-sided school desks. Isn’t it easier to maneuver because you’re such a visionary? And the bonus? Left-handers day! It’s a day of appreciation just for you. See? That’s some copacetic recognition. Right-handers make compromises for your special day and for some “impossible” kitchen gadgets. We may not be able to help with that can opener, but there’s no need to gripe about that snarky mug. Just turn the handle to the left, side and there ya go! Help given. No more whining, cry baby.
Seriously though, when I come to think of it, left-handed people are very cool. ‘Cause like, they say only 10 percent of the population are lefties and it would be pretty awesome to actually meet a few. There are loads of historical figures who were left-handed, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Queen Victoria and Ben Franklin. As Danny Zuko would say, that’s “electrifying!” Okay, so that was a corny, but maybe it’s because that famous lefty “creativity” is rubbing off on me. In all honesty, that’s an impressive assortment of people. You know what else is inspiring? Lefties can be ambidextrous too.
Having to learn how to use right-handed stuff like scissors and razors while still being lefty is stirring. I don’t think a big percent of right-handed people can boast that talent. I toast you, left-handers (with my right hand because it’s actually offensive in some countries to toast with the left, sorry guys!). You live in a right-handed world and have to make due in life. You’ve struggled to handwrite that paper with ink smeared all over your hand. You’ve toiled and drudged your way through with nothing but a sympathetic nod and a link to buy left-handed pens at the “Left-Y-Mart”. Complain all you’d like. I know the feeling. I’ve lived with it my entire life. I. Feel. You.
A Left-Handed Columnist
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