After being emotionally drained for several weeks, I decided to write this column as a form of catharsis which will also explain my perspective and my experiences living the single life. With this column, I am not looking to give advice, rather just looking to relay my experiences.

After my encounter with my ex several weeks ago, I realized that maybe his forgiveness was all I needed to feel relieved after much inner turmoil about myself and my choices. While he has forgiven me, I must now forgive myself. There’s an old saying that says, “If you can’t love yourself then you can’t love another.” That is completely true.

It is not that I hate who I am, I just think it is about time that I actually begin to enjoy the time I have as single before something else changes my life completely. I think that in order to move on, I believed I had to be in another relationship. I have been wanting a relationship so badly that I have been sabotaging myself, trying to pursue people who realistically were not going to work for me. Entering into another relationship would only be a way to satisfy the guilt I felt inside of me. I have spent the larger portion of the year looking to soothe this feeling and I ended up not being truly present for my own life. It is okay to go after love, but you really should keep living in the moment and not let such a small thing such as wanting a relationship to bind you.

Being single is depressing at times, if I am being honest. There are moments when I sit on the couch, wishing I could have someone to hold on to. When I see my friends with their significant others, I am happy for them, but a tiny piece of me envies them for having someone that they can confide in and be with. It is also pretty depressing when you have to be the third or fifth wheel in a hang out with a bunch of couples.

Being alone is a concept that most of us do not really like to think about. Sure we like to spend time with friends, but that is not the same as cuddling with someone during a movie, going on random adventures or kissing because you just had a moment. Being single, well, it can suck.

That being said, being single can also be pretty liberating. When a friend comes to me crying because their boyfriend said something pretty stupid, or their girlfriend is acting crazy over a small word choice I thank my lucky stars that I am single. One of my favorite things to do is go to a 24-hour diner and just let my thoughts race out while having a cup of coffee. I love that I do not have to get dressed up on a Friday night, I can just stay at home and watch Bob’s Burgers on Netflix in my pajamas. Ultimately, I love having the single point of view for my friends. I love to remind them of how much they have fought for their relationships and making sure they do not steer in the wrong direction and end up in my position.

Ultimately, I have a love-hate relationship with being single. However, being single has allowed me to find myself and has afforded me time to do the things I love. I am finding out new things about myself that I never before noticed I enjoyed. I have made more friends and could not be happier with my social circle for once. I am on the verge of becoming a new person and this person is happy to be single, but is looking forward to what love has to offer in the future.