My whole life, I have been a fairly introverted person. I’ve always secretly hated parties, concerts, and anywhere there are loads of groups. To put it simply, I sucked at figuring out how to talk to strangers and not feel left out. That was until I found my version of “fitting in.”

I’ll be transparent. I still get that stomach-sinking feeling at the thought of being surrounded by dozens of people I don’t know, especially going into a group setting alone. However, after attending more social gatherings by myself and learning how to talk to any kind of person, that feeling has greatly subsided. In turn, I can now enjoy these kinds of settings. It’s alienating to feel like you’re the only person in the room who’s not having a good time, so here is my guide on how to “fit in” with any group of people, even as a severe introvert. 

1. Not everyone is going to like you. I know, shocker. But seriously, this is one of the harshest realities to accept as a shy person looking to make friends. The truth is, the need you have to be liked is actually what ultimately holds you back from having a good time and feeling like you’re included. No amount of good jokes or interesting stories will make you truly feel like you fit in, and that’s okay. There’s this unspoken idea that if you say the right thing at the right time, people will start to take a liking towards you, which is just not true. While yes, storytelling and joking can help you, those skills are not going to be the factor that gets you involved in a group conversation. But you know what will?
2. Active listening. People just want to feel heard and understood, it’s a basic human need that, truthfully, isn’t discussed enough. Think about a time when you felt understood and seen, and how impactful that felt in the moment. Maybe it was something as simple as someone listening to you rant about your bad day, or something as significant as someone acknowledging that they understood what it’s like to go through something life-changing. Active listening is what allows people to feel and build a connection, by not only listening to someone’s words, but also really understanding and empathizing with them. This kind of mutual awareness will help all parties to feel so much more involved and engaged in the conversation.
3. It’s okay not to have anything to contribute to a certain conversation. Sometimes you simply can’t relate to a particular situation, issue, or opinion, and when everyone’s chiming in, it can feel like that’s your cue to exit the conversation. People can be boring until someone says something you consider worth speaking up about, and it’s okay to wait for that moment. While I’m sure a small percentage of conversations became interesting just through talking about the weather, a majority of compelling discussions begin with a random, profound thought. If you don’t have anything to say, take it as an opportunity to listen and maybe learn something new. 
4. Be yourself. You are never going to walk away from a conversation feeling fulfilled, knowing that you weren’t being authentic. The act of fitting in does not mean to change who you are, instead, it means to show up as and for yourself, even if that self is a bit quieter, that is more than enough. You absolutely do not have to be the loudest or funniest in the room to feel like you belong; in fact, sometimes the quietest people are the ones who bring the strongest presence. Being confident within yourself and in what you have to say will leave a much stronger impression than tossing out depthless responses. This was the one I personally struggled the most with. I am pretty shy, but once you start talking to me about something I’m passionate about, I can turn into quite the motormouth, which is not a bad thing! But I was insecure about my eagerness, so instead I’d try to “play it cool.” And boy, do I regret that. I often wonder how many people would’ve loved to have spirited conversations, and how many times I held myself back from allowing that to happen. Say what’s on your mind, and if you slip up or say something cringey, don’t worry—you’re probably the only one who’ll dwell on it.

People who struggle talking to new people, especially in a college setting, can often feel like social skills should come quickly to them. While maybe your roommate, classmates, or friends might have an easier time, fitting in is not a race. Every conversation you have is a small step forward, not a sprint to some final destination. So next time you find yourself walking into a room full of strangers, remind yourself–fitting in starts with showing up dressed as yourself.

For comments/questions about this story DM us on Instagram @thewhitatrowan or email opinion@gmail.com