Why does sneezing happen all of a sudden? And why do my eyelids need to shut when it happens? Doesn’t a sneeze know not to happen when I’m driving? What if I’m on the highway and can’t hold a sneeze? Is there a method I’m supposed to know? Do I have to bang my forehead on the steering wheel again? And what if someone decides to cut me off mid-sneeze? Will I rear end the car? Does the other driver know that I’m mid-sneeze? Is the driver hoping for an insurance pay off? How can I prove that the sneeze caused the crash? Should I just video myself driving from now on and, if it happens again, use it as evidence in small claims court?

What happens if I sneeze twice in a row? Aren’t my eyes closed for like, eight seconds? Isn’t that dangerous? And I don’t mean just dangerous in the car, wouldn’t it be dangerous while walking? If I had to do one of those rapid-fire sneezes (twenty-four plus seconds), and I was walking, wouldn’t I bump into someone? Or worse? Fall? Do I have to give myself a pep-talk when I feel a sneeze coming on? “Are you going to be brave, Suzette? You’re not going to cry of embarrassment when you land in the bushes, right? You’ll buy some chocolate to feel better, okay?”

When I want the sneeze to come out, why doesn’t it come out? What happens when I feel the tingle in my nose? Do you know what I mean? That feeling when you know the sneeze is on the way, but it disappears? Where does it go? Doesn’t it realize how much my face hurts when it doesn’t come out? What about the brain pressure? Why doesn’t it comprehend the satisfaction felt when it’s released into the world? Can’t a sneeze have a heart and think of me for once?

And speaking of hearts, doesn’t my heart stop when I sneeze? And won’t my eyeball pop out? A sneeze moves at the rate of one thousand miles per hour, right? If I rapid-fire sneeze, I’m moving like five miles per hour? So, isn’t that the only benefit of having to sneeze in public? Won’t more people come to my aid and rescue my eyeball? And what happens to my eyeball? Do I have to put it on ice? If I sneezed in my house, and no one’s home to hear me, does it make a sound?

Why do sneezes sound different each time? And when I say “different”, I mean, why do they sound like laughing hyenas and elephants? Why can’t my sneeze ever sound like a cute little kitten? When I’m somewhere quiet, like say, in the middle of a test, why do I sneeze like a blue whale? Will I be doomed to a life of steering wheel head-banging, brain-pressure keeping, eye-ball popping, and rapid-fire whale-sounding? Wait…does anyone have a tissue?

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