Dating in college isn’t easy, and maybe it never has been. In 2024, it’s exceptionally complex, between hook-up culture, party culture, social media, and dating apps, a lack of romance and chivalry, how easy it has become to cheat, a general lack of trust, and people lacking valuable skills to maintain healthy relationships. Oh, and let’s not forget the daunting busyness that clouds our lives when it comes to the brunt of semesters, mixed into work and extracurriculars.
There’s another issue that comes into play, often tying together one or more of those reasons and that is a fear of commitment or general commitment issues. Whether you fear being hurt, hurting someone else, feel you aren’t mature enough yet for a relationship, think you don’t have the time, or have been involved in unhealthy relationships in the past, this might be how you feel toward said relationships.
According to Web Md, feeling this way can be categorized as gamophobia. “If you fear getting close to people or making relationship decisions that have a long-lasting effect, such as getting married, you might have commitment phobia. It is common to fear the unknown, but people with commitment phobia can extend this fear to other parts of their life — especially romantic relationships.”
Interestingly enough, it makes sense, especially for college students. Maybe you associate relationships to marriage, which in college can be a bittersweet viewpoint. In reality, you may or may not marry your college love. I mean, how long did your high school relationship last? Either way, being afraid poses unnecessary troubles to your love life, and even to your mental health.
I can’t blame you though, simply looking at college hookup statistics is scary. “Hookup culture is a pervasive part of college life, with statistics showing that up to 80% of students have participated in hookups at least once.” There is also the fact that “over a third of students report having at least one sexual regret after a hookup.”
Maybe you’re like me and want nothing to do with hookup culture, but rather fear commitment for other reasons. You see, I vowed to never hook up with anyone after kissing a boy in high school that I very much disliked. Since coming to college, I have always been with someone who I had at least some sort of relationship or connection with. However, I had been in two very unhealthy relationships in which I had been cheated on, leading to a severe lack of trust for romantic partners, and no matter how I felt towards someone, I was out the second the term “girlfriend” was brought up.
Recently, I was able to overcome this through a second chance with someone who had once been very important to me. I cared so much about this person, but it didn’t work out because I was afraid to get hurt or to be too busy with my three jobs and five classes per semester.
I will never forget receiving the most thoughtful proposal a writer and avid reader could receive. He took me to a bookstore, and I picked out a poem book from one of my favorite authors, allowing him to buy it for me. Eventually, he hid the book from me and left notes on specific poems that reminded him of me, which all led to a post note asking me out per one of the poems. I sat on my bedroom floor, alone, and as I read it, I sobbed harder than I ever had before. It did not matter how happy this man made me, it did not matter how much we laughed together, or the memories we had. I knew I wasn’t ready to be someone’s girlfriend after the experiences I had. I was devoted to my schoolwork, and a real relationship was a commitment my mind could not fathom. And so, I walked away from what could have been the best decision I could have ever made for myself.
I hurt him deeply, as I am sure I have hurt others before and after this, running away the second something became too real. In reality, it is sad to walk away from someone who cared enough to pay attention to the little things I cared about, so much so to ask me out like that. Don’t be like me. Don’t walk away from the little things that are so kind they appear to be from a dream or a romance novel.
Luckily, I am a firm believer in “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to, it was meant to be.” So, with this next opportunity to become closer, I fought away my fears. I decided that I would rather take a chance to be hurt again than to lose this piece of happiness forever. I decided I would rather try and fail than never get the chance to try at all. I expressed that as honestly as I could, and now I am someone’s girlfriend. It’s exciting and terrifying all at once. Maybe we won’t last, and maybe an ending will break my heart– but to love and be loved is truly something worth relinquishing fear for.
Look, dating apps can be fun for a few weeks. Mindlessly swiping through people’s photos and deciding you may like them over a short biography, but how long will that excitement last? How enjoyable is it to make out with people at parties, just for them to probably not even remember who you are the next day? When does becoming just another body to someone start to deplete how you feel about yourself?
If you enjoy hook-up culture, I commend you. You live your best life, without judgment. However, if you are running away from someone who truly cares about you and wishes you the best because you are fearful for whatever reason, I say stop. Take some time to reflect and think to yourself that you are lucky to be in that situation, but it’s time to leave the situationships in the past. Build a true connection with someone and learn some lessons along the way.
If your fear is that something won’t work out, and it doesn’t work out, then so be it. Take the memories, say thank you, take your time to grieve, and move on with your life. If you worry that you will be too busy because of work or school, plan study dates or navigate your schedules together to make something work. If you’re hooked on hook-up culture, ask yourself what that is doing for you in the long run.
No one has a handbook to give you of do’s and don’ts in relationships, so take the lessons where you can. Learn to communicate, learn to be romantic, learn to love yourself while loving someone else, learn your love languages, and learn what you want from a partner. After all, if you can find yourself in a situation like this– think back to those who maybe have never been in a relationship, and have always wanted to be. Don’t give up because you’re scared. If it isn’t forever, then you learn great lessons. The best gift you can receive from the world and from life is its hidden lessons that take time and reflection to unfold. Overall, live your best life, do what makes you happy, and love yourself.
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