“You are intimidating.” 

I’ve had these three words repeated to me time after time, from a diverse array of people. Sometimes friends upon a first meeting, sometimes a colleague or someone in the workplace, but most often this phrase is thrown around in relation to love and relationships. 

This is not, in any way, a unique experience for me. In fact, I’m positive that I’m one of the thousands, perhaps even millions of successful, highly ambitious, and career-driven women who’s probably been hit with this pathetic piece of advice as to why you’re still single, or equally pathetic excuse from a man as to why he can’t commit to you. This trend in behavior from our male counterparts is actually, believe it or not, backed by research. 

According to a report conducted in the Harvard Business Review, single women who are highly ambitious in the workplace were chosen less than women who did not have high career aspirations in the dating market. 

I’ll be the first one to tell you that my own personal love life is at the very bottom of my daily list of priorities. I was never too concerned with dating growing up, plus I am pretty in love with the fact that I have a budding and flourishing career that I’m passionate about, multiple friend groups that I love to pour my time and energy into, and extracurriculars, interviews, and side projects taking up most of my days. I don’t think about dating very often, nor do I necessarily envy my peers who are constantly in and out of relationships. 

However, there are plenty of nights when I do wonder why myself and so many of my most successful female friends have such a hard time finding success in the modern dating landscape. Are we too self-involved? Are we not “putting ourselves out there?” Are our standards ridiculously high? 

These are all questions that I have asked myself for a long time. Year after year, bad date after bad date, and failed “talking stage” after “talking stage.” It wasn’t until one night during the middle of my junior year, I received a message on a dating app from a friend who had supposedly liked me for a long time. 

Logically, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. How could this man have liked me for years and never once alluded to asking me on a date? So, I did what any good journalist would do, I asked the hard questions. 

His response told me everything I needed to know about my past but left me with a slew of new questions to answer. 

“Don’t put this in an article or anything– but you are intimidating.” (Sorry!)

How could this be? I wear butterfly earrings and bright colors frequently, I am confident that I’m the clumsiest person I’ve ever met, and I rarely am quiet when I’m in a room with other people. I could name off the top of my head a few reasons why my dates weren’t going well but intimidation wasn’t really something that crossed my mind.

In some ways, I guess it made sense. I’m driven when it comes to journalism, I am unafraid to go after career opportunities and I frequently leave my phone on do not disturb, forgetting to text just about everyone back, pretty much all of the time (I’ve found that most guys don’t particularly like being left on delivered for 24+ hours. Oops.)

At the end of the day though, I’m not someone who intentionally intimidates the people around me or tries to make them feel small, especially not someone I’m trying to pursue. As I continued to ponder this question, going on more dates and talking to more potential love interests, it was a trend I found over, and over, and over again. 

It was slightly insulting and a little bit offensive at first, but I’ve gotten pretty accustomed to it. I’ve learned to accept it, and honestly, I think that weirdly it’s flattering. It’s something I don’t shy away from anymore, and try to embrace and lean into, knowing that my ambition and drive are something that has become a part of my identity. However, as February, the month of love, comes to an end, I want to remind any successful woman who might be lonely or questioning her power of one thing. 

The right man will be inspired by your success, and not afraid of it. 

You are not scary, and you’re not a cold-blooded monster. You aren’t scared to be in love or pushing away the right guy. You’re just a woman who is actively taking control of a life she loves, which most men don’t have the balls to do themselves.

For comments/questions about this story DM us on Instagram @thewhitatrowan or email opinion@gmail.com