Munch Madness 2016: The fork in the stone

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The borough lays in turmoil.

The war-torn wasteland of sub-par dormitories and feuding frat houses has left the campus in disarray. Left to fend for ourselves, society struggles to find an heir to the throne. Our rulers have left us. Our friends have betrayed us. We are hungry. We are starving. And we are on our own.

In these hard times, we are left with too many choices. Do we find salvation in the value menus of fast-food chains? Do we find God in Chinese takeout, or pizza joints? Is nirvana in the spread between two bagel halves? Was it not G. K. Chesterton who said that man’s disloyalty to one eatery does not mean he will eat nothing, but rather, will eat everything? Why am I asking so many questions? Who is G. K. Chesterton? Why does any of this matter?

It’s only beginning. The “Hunger Games” of a different kind. In our land, void of one ruler, we must rally behind someone to feed us — someone to guide us through these tough times of too many choices, too many good deals and too many carbohydrates. It is time, my friends and readership, for the battle of the century. It is time to crown The Whit’s Munch Madness Champion.

If last year’s ridiculousness was not enough to make you file a lawsuit against us for the pure bloodshed scribbled across these pages, maybe this year will be the year you finally leave us behind in our munch madness. Will the former victor, Ry’s Bagels, continue to reign for a second consecutive year? Will Angelo’s Diner return to bring vengeance on his breakfast brethren? Or will a new champion rise from the remnants of delivery receipts?

The choice is up to you. Munch Madness 2016 is upon us. Unsheathe your smartphones. Get your laptops. I know not weapons with which this battle will be fought, only that the victor will hold the fork. We have 24 non-chain restaurants, each competing for your attention, your hunger. Go, my comrades! Satisfy it!

As March comes upon us, we ask that you follow this link to our survey. Vote for your top 16 local restaurants. The restaurant with the most votes will be our number one seed, and so on. Restaurants prepare. And you, campus, eat your cravings. Get your money’s worth. Pick our supreme ruler, our master of hunger!

Our lives depend on it.

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