Hopeless Romantic: The Crush

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During my entire life I have had multiple crushes. Those crushes either went on to become something more or, they didn’t. Funny, but our experiences with these heartthrobs vary as we grow up; as we’re rather young, they’re somewhat awkward. They get a little more complex as teenagers and eventually become rather confusing as adults. These relationships migrate from drawing hearts with your initials on them, to the paranoia of high school where neither you nor your crush noticed the other looking and then college, where you can’t tell if your crush is even someone who likes relationships.

I often find myself overthinking things and staying up late because I’m thinking about the person I’m crushing on. Sometimes I lose myself to my thoughts throughout the day. We start crushing on them. The worst part about liking someone is when you know that person doesn’t like you back — that old familiar feeling of your middle school years. Why do we chase after these people if we know they’re not going to reciprocate the feelings?

In life, you will chase after people that you constantly care for. While they might not like you back, they will appreciate what you do for them. I like someone at the moment but I know nothing will ever come from this crush. The guy is out of my league and there is no way in heck that we could ever be something. If I ever said that to one of my friends, they would say that any person would be lucky to be with me. As sweet as that is, I don’t believe that myself.

The guy I like doesn’t really notice me. To him, I am that annoying young guy who’s just a friend to him. He’s a nice guy who knows what he wants out of life, but when it comes to love, that might be a different story. He hasn’t been the best in long term relationships and doesn’t really believe that he will ever settle down. I’m not really looking to get married within the next year, but this guy is everything I could really ever want in someone. Whenever I’m in need of a good laugh, he never disappoints. He’s honest, but never comes across as rude. He has a big heart for his family and friends, always caring about their needs. Sure, he has attractive physical qualities but that doesn’t really matter.

Sadly I know that he will never like me. I’m probably either way too young for him, as we’re both in different stages of our lives now. I don’t think I am aesthetically appealing to him.  I also don’t think he sees me as a lover. As sad as that sounds, I have to face those facts and just let the idea go. I just don’t understand why I keep sticking around. Some might say that he is stringing me along and that he actually is using me to his benefit but part of me knows that isn’t true. He not once has asked me to do anything for him or to do anything I was uncomfortable doing. In fact the moment I fell asleep at his place, my head resting on his lap, I woke up to him sleeping. After asking him why he did this, he responded, “You looked so happy to be there, I didn’t want to disturb you. Plus you looked adorable and I wanted to just remember you as that.”

That is why I do not mind if he is truly just stringing me along. I do not mind that I’m the guy that he has for now. Why do we like people that don’t like us back, allowing ourselves to be “crushed” by them? I think the answer goes further back than the middle school sensation. Our hearts are masters of themselves, not the other way around.

I love the idea of things possibly happening. That’s what love is about, taking chances on possibilities. I will take this moment and learn from it in one way or another. So call me crazy, but I’ll take this for now and just let it be. If it doesn’t go anywhere, it’ll only be that way because I gave it my all and it just wasn’t meant to be.

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