Andujar: Five ways to end your traffic headaches

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You’re driving home after a long day of school or work and thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner, maybe what you’ll watch on Netflix, and suddenly you realize that you’re slowing down. With a quick glance at the speedometer, it’s abundantly clear that you just went from 65 mph to 40 mph and it is swiftly dropping even lower.

Then you see it. It shines in your face like a red omen of doom…brake lights.

It’s a huge traffic jam. When you come to a complete stop, you glance at Google Maps and don’t see the red dots that show traffic or construction. There’s nothing you can do; you are trapped.

The traffic begins at a stop-and-go pace and stays that way for a good half hour. By the time you start picking up a little speed, you start looking for police lights or construction trucks because there had to be something that caused this delay. I’ll give you two scenarios that caused this traffic jam:

First: When the traffic suddenly clears and you’re driving at regular speed, you see nothing. Excuse me? What was I waiting here for? Wha…I don’t get it! So you hit the gas and drive angrily because you feel that you’ve wasted 30 minutes for no reason.

Second: When the traffic suddenly clears and you’re driving at regular speed, you see construction. Very random construction, mind you. No bridges are being built, no traffic light or pole repaired. The signs are up but all of the workers are gone. They. Are. Gone. But the road is still half closed.

Has this ever happened to you? It’s literally the worst. I’d like to share five things that are proven to help you get through a pointless traffic jam.

  1. Bang your head against the steering wheel, I mean really hard. If you’re lucky, you can blow the horn at the same time.
  2. Put the window down and scream. It’s statistically proven that screaming releases pent up frustration. It’s okay if people look at you like you’re crazy; you are indeed crazy because you’ve lost your mind.
  3. Ask the person in the next car over if they have any Grey Poupon.
  4. Get out of the car and run like in that movie “Independence Day” just before the aliens blow everything up.
  5. Get on top of the car and jump up and down while screaming and crying. Throwing a tantrum gets you exactly what you want.

Traffic is aggravating and there’s no way to get through the nuisance without a backup plan, so be prepared. From the bottom of my heart, I hope these tips help. If not, there are always Wonka-vators. You’ve never been in a Wonka-vator? They’re the best invention ever because you can just step inside, type in your address and fly home. Fly home! Way better than sitting in a sea of frozen cars.

Drive safe my friends and happy flying.

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