Andujar: I’m an ugly crier, and that’s OK

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This is an installment of Suzette Andujar’s weekly column “As I Was Saying”

I’m just going to say it: I’m a crybaby. I don’t just cry, I ugly cry. The bottom part of my face twists up, the top part goes down and it’s smushed right in the middle, both sides pressing against my nose. Tears flow over the mass of contorted features and my sobbing is loud and aggressive.

I’d say that was a pretty accurate description of me when Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” came up on the radio one night. I told myself that I’d never hear that song again, not after what happened with Jack and Rose in “Titanic.” However, after the first three notes came on I was done and didn’t care who saw me.

One lunch break, I finished up a book and the ending was not what I expected. I felt it coming: the ugly cry, so I ran to my car and let it take over; it was truly horrific. A passerby would think I was crying over the death of someone I knew or losing a job, but no, it really was over a book. There is no right or wrong thing to ugly cry over. The local zoo polar bear had babies and they’re so adorable and it’s the circle of life? Ugly cry. You’re late for class because you keep circling the parking lot and there’s not one spot open? Ugly cry. Someone just grabbed the last chocolate doughnut? Ugly cry!

I feel better after ugly crying. So much pain and sorrow is released and I don’t have to cry about it any longer. It’s good to release emotions and let your conscience clear itself. The best part is that you can’t force it out; it comes naturally, so it’s totally organic. And isn’t organic the most popular craze? So we all win.

The downside to ugly crying is not the loss of beauty, but the loss of privacy. Just as the reasons can come from anything, the cry can happen anywhere and fighting is futile. Unfortunately for me, the cry almost happened in my communications class. My professor played a commercial about the enduring bond between a show horse and its trainer. We had to talk about what the advertisers were trying to evoke from viewers. As “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac played, my eyes watered. I felt an itch in my nose and had to scrunch it up and my throat went dry. It was coming.

I knew I couldn’t embarrass myself so I tried to detach my emotions, but it didn’t work. I tried to cough, but it was stuck, just like my soul. I panicked because the lights were about to go back on and I would become Nosferatu. Not wanting to scare my classmates, I held it together and caught an ugly tear. A person has to be emotionless to fight off an ugly cry, but it can be done. My heart will continue to go on, but my ugly cry will go on even longer.

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