Andujar: I just can’t

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This is a weekly installment of Suzette Andujar’s column series, “As I was saying.”

The nacho chips were so delicious. The way the spices tingled and formed a proverbial party in my palate was perfunctory. Chip after chip was enjoyed and all at the expense of my finger and thumb, which were covered in an orange aftermath of cheese. I reached for a napkin, but there were none near me. Completely bumfuzzled, I thought of what I should do. I could get up and grab a napkin, but that would have been way too much work. Without a second thought, I reached down and wiped my hand on my pants. Problem solved. Analyzing the situation, one would come to the conclusion that I was being lazy and that would be a correct suspicion. However, there are some days when I just can’t.

I just can’t stop and tie my shoe while I’m shuffling to my car after a long day on campus. Yes, in the back of my mind I am thinking that I could trip and hurt myself, but that isn’t important. I have to reach my car, face traffic and get home. So I look down at the laces flapping in the wind like they’re Jack Dawson declaring they’re the king of the world and think, “I just can’t.”

I just can’t change the TV station or click on the next streaming video when my movie is over. The controller is all the way over there and, we’ve been through this, I’m not getting up. So what happens? Auto-play. I end up watching whatever comes on next. It’s bad on account of the laziness but it’s good because now I know all about a molasses tsunami that happened in Boston in 1919. I’m serious, look it up (or be forced against your lazy will to watch PBS)!

The worst and most infamous “I just can’t” moment is when I’m waking up. I literally can’t. The snooze button is my rescuer from the dangers of getting out of bed. I try to make it better by setting the alarm a half an hour before I’m supposed to get up, all with the express purpose of hitting the snooze button and to make pretend I’m getting extra sleep. Does it work? Yes. Is it lazy? Well, you can call it lazy while I like to say it’s lackadaisical. Doesn’t that sound way better?  It makes lazy sound fancy. Nonetheless, remember, I just can’t.

My computer is warning me that its battery is about to die and I’m in the middle of typing this column. Now I could simply walk to the charger, connect it and problem solved. I could always let the thing die too. Yes, I could charge it later and submit this gem to the editor afterwards. Well, that’s a bad thing and very irresponsible so I’ll hurry to get the charger before I run out of time to finish this piece, but I just ca –

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