There’s a certain exhaustion that comes from always feeling like you’re the one putting in more effort. Whether it’s texting first, overthinking replies, or trying to be exactly what someone else wants, chasing a person can start to cause stress that doesn’t even pay off. I think a lot of people, especially in college, fall into a pattern without even knowing it. People confuse effort with worth, and attention with validation. However, at some point, it clicks: constantly chasing people, opportunities, or approval is draining. That’s where the idea of “attracting” comes in, and no, it’s not just something you see on TikTok.

For me, the shift started with realizing that chasing is rooted in someone’s romantic interactions being insufficient for them. When you’re chasing, you start to believe that what you want is hard to get. You begin to believe that if you don’t hold on tight to something, it’ll never come back to you. That mindset makes a person settle for less just to keep someone’s attention. I’ve been there where I am constantly replaying conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing, or trying to act less like myself so someone wouldn’t lose interest. It’s exhausting, and honestly, it makes you forget who you really are.

Attracting, on the other hand, is all about confidence. It’s not about sitting around doing nothing and hoping everything magically comes to you. It’s about becoming someone who naturally draws in the right people and opportunities because you know your worth, and not in a vague, inspirational quote kind of way, but in a real sense. You have to genuinely believe that you don’t need to beg for attention, love, or respect. The right person will meet you halfway.

One of the biggest changes I made was having to be okay with silence. Not every message needs an immediate reply. Not every situation needs you to step in and “fix” it. Sometimes, pulling back is the best thing you can do. It allows space for people to show you who they are. If someone is genuinely interested, they’ll make the effort. And if they don’t, that tells you everything you need to know. 

I know “work on yourself” gets thrown around a lot, but it’s deeper than just going to the gym or getting your hair done. It’s really about building a life that you’re truly happy living. For me, that meant putting more energy into my school work, my friendships, and working towards my career post-college. When you’re fulfilled by yourself, you are able to stop looking for someone else to complete you. 

Letting go of control is probably the hardest part. When you’re used to chasing, you’re also used to trying to control outcomes and making sure things go a certain way. You have to trust that what’s meant for you won’t pass you by, and that forcing something means it was never right for you in the first place. That doesn’t mean you never put in effort, but it just means make sure the effort is reciprocated, not one-sided.

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to see your value. The right people will recognize it without you having to chase or prove yourself. And when you finally stop chasing, you create space for something better to come in, something that seems so much easier than before, and something real.

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